Friends, I want you to know

March 18

Friends,
I want you to know
That I too remember
What it's like to
Forget how to
Live.

I have been to the
Places none of us
Want to admit
That we visited
Far too often,
That we still
Find ourselves
Wandering around in
Sometimes.

Where they all know
Our name because
We carved it
Into our arms
And screamed it
Against the darkness.

Where destruction can
Be purchased on layaway
And the debt collectors
Leave you alone
As long as you keep
Buying more
And the only way out
Is to hit rock bottom
So hard you disintegrate
And float away on
The breeze
And pray to whatever god
Will listen that
You land somewhere
The sunlight still reaches.

I remember stumbling
Through the streets
Of Toronto,
Not remembering
Even my own name
And wishing I could
Keep it that way.

I remember keeping
A stash of pills
In my purse just
So I could remind myself
Oblivion was close by
If reality ever got closer.

I remember getting
So close to the edge
That one more memory
Would have been enough
For me to jump.

I spent a decade
Slowly then quickly
Trying to escape myself
And giving myself
Ever more reasons to
Keep trying to
Stop trying at all.

I couldn't look
In the the mirror
Without letting out
A sick laugh
At the sick fuck
Looking back at me,
The child that
Never was because
They told her on
Day fucking one
That she wasn't
Going to get to
Be who she was.

It took me thirty
Fucking years
To even begin
To recover
From the wounds
Inflicted by the
Doctors checking
The wrong damn box.

But I forgive them.
They didn't know.
But it was a lot harder
To forgive myself,
Because I did know.

I knew that
Death on a payment
Plan is still suicide,
That no amount of
Anything was
Going to heal
My twisted soul,
That there was a way
To get better but I was
Too fucking proud
To ask and
Too fucking scared
To risk it and
Too fucking stubborn
To even acknowledge
It was even there.

But somehow
I survived.
Dumb luck,
Grace of God,
Guardian angel:
Take your pick.
In the end,
What matters is
That I didn't take
That plunge or
Those pills or
That long ride
To nothingness.

I found my way
To the person
Who was waiting
For me, who
Knew the
Darkness as
Intimately as
I did and
Knew a way out
That wasn't a way
Further in.

She knows my
Heart, sometimes
Better than I know
It myself.

She knows I'm
Strong even when
I have doubts
That that word
Is even in
My vocabulary
Or grasp.

She is all I
Ever wanted
And all I didn't
Even know I needed.

Thank you,
My love,
My heart,
My everything.